May 2013
2 posts
manhating-babyeater:
about ultimatums and manipulation
so, there’s a difference between setting a boundary and threatening to break up with someone if they do something you don’t like. Even if crossing that boundary means breaking up. (The same goes for friend break-ups, or disowning a relative, etc.)
And this is really tricky and I can’t 100% articulate the difference. I sort of go on...
2 tags
“Survivors are hiding, lying, steeped in shame, afraid to tell their friends,...”
– The Revolution Starts At Home, p110 (via dendroquiver)
April 2013
12 posts
2 tags
Rape Culture Questions
petrushkab:
My friends Bill, Weronika and myself got together last winter and wrote up these questions for the consideration of our “community”. Folks in Guelph were dealing with a lot of issues of sexual assault/reinforcing rape culture like many anarchist scenes often do, and we wanted to get people thinking about these things. They were written from an anarchist/radical perspective, but can...
2 tags
“In my work at the NW Network, I’ve seen this play out time and time again. For...”
– The Revolution Starts At Home, p.109 (via dendroquiver)
manhating-babyeater:
I mean, it had to be 22 paragraphs long. He couldn’t be straight forward and concise. The only way he could even remotely convince me that I deserved or provoked what he did is if he had 6 and a half pages worth of manipulation and victim blaming.
And a lot of times he didn’t convince me, even after all of that. I questioned myself and I believed that he believed it. And I...
4 tags
manhating-babyeater:
This is an example of how all the relationship conversations went with my abusive ex. And, I’m really excited that I found this email. It’s one concrete example of how those conversations took place. Here I analyze excerpts from the unnecessarily long message I received from him.
He starts out addressing some of his more mild behavior that I mentioned towards the end of my...
Mental illness and experience of intimate partner...
mindovermatterzine:
[Trigger Warning: Discussion of violence and abuse against people with mental illness, particularly intimate partner violence]
Some of you may have seen an anonymous message I received yesterday from a person with mental illness who has been experiencing intimate partner violence. Unfortunately this is far from the first correspondence of this nature I’ve received through...
3 tags
To the most recent anon,
yes, absolutely. Friendships can be as terrible and abusive as romantic relationships. I’m sorry you’re having such an experience in your friendship.
Here are a couple posts we have made/resources we’ve found about abusive friendships. (one), (two)
4 tags
tw for intimidation and verbal abuse
manhating-babyeater:
fixed it!
“the high level of anger i reached that night [when I towered over you, screaming, calling you slurs, repeatedly telling you to shut the fuck up while you were restricted easy access to a doorway, it] was a kind of wakeup call to me. i cannot go on causing and experiencing that kind of damage in my life [to you], and it seems...
3 tags
possible trigger warning for abuser logic
back story: I found the old emails from my ex-abuser and I’m laughing at how fucking ridiculous he is
manhating-babyeater:
You guise!!
I’m so glad I found this shit! He is so fucking aldjflsdjflsdkjf
I can’t wait until I have time to actually make a proper post about this but here’s a quick excerpt:
“the high level of anger i reached that night was...
2 tags
To the anon who just sent in a submission:
I read your submission and it’s going to take me some time to answer what I think you should do about your situation. But, I did want to answer some of your questions right away.
First of all, I think it’s pretty uncommon that children abuse their parents because of the power dynamic there. They are in control of your livelihood. Not to...
2 tags
Survivors v. Justice (tw: abuse)
flamesofdissent:
Pls do not argue that survivors of abuse are responsible for the perpetuation of the prison industrial complex. Sometimes, taking their abuser to court/the cops is the only way to protect their lives and the lives of others. Restorative justice is not available to everyone. If the community wants to engage in restorative justice that is one thing, but it is not the victim’s...
2 tags
“Yes, we heal as we fight back. However, the necessary process of healing can be thwarted when, in our fighting back, we remain unsafe, alone, ignored, and those wounds are inflicted again—this time by communities that are indifferent to, or complicit with, abusers whose behavior goes unchecked.”
— The Revolution Starts At Home (28)
I’m reading the full text of...
2 tags
hobbitdragon:
missvoltairine:
don’t use your suicidal impulses as a trump card to manipulate people into not standing up to you
i’m sorry you’re suicidal but “I’m suicidal, that means you can’t say shit when I trample all over your boundaries or you will have BLOOD ON YOUR HAAAAAANDS” is bullshit
own your shit
the end
the same goes for self-harm.
March 2013
12 posts
2 tags
ourcatastrophe:
a thing that is not okay is continually harassing people who’ve indicated they want space under the guise of respecting that space and being accountable demanding updates every thirty seconds about what exactly their boundaries are and if that thing you did was okay and where exactly they’re gonna be and when so they can give you space and etc etc etc when it’s someone you have a...
2 tags
tw abuse
shivertree:
missvoltairine:
I was going to write a post about the concept of “i get to hurt you because you owe it to me” and how abusive it is, and how frightening it is to see it spun like something liberatory and progressive, but I’m too tired and busy to feel like I can make the line between totally fine and healthy expressions of anger (“misandry for life”, “fuck white people”, “shut up...
Anonymous asked: What are your opinions on the fact that we define what type of victim/survivor/etc. you are by incidents that happened to you? Like, 'you were hit, so that's physical abuse. And you were held down, so that's physical abuse, too.' But the survivor community doesn't seem to take into account how the people felt? Like, they do, but that doesn't seem to matter when...
My grandma was doing this to me. I’m disabled and a car is pretty important for me to function. My last car died and she offered to help pay for a new one. And all of the sudden, every time I did anything she didn’t like she’d threaten to not help me anymore.
Also, my mom kicked me out when I was 12 and I was coerced into moving in with my grandparents by child...
Anonymous asked: Mine used to gift me things THEY had wanted as a child, or things I had my eye on too long. Most of the time I didn't even want the things. But when I told them that, they guilt-tripped me ("think about how much I went through to get this"), and I felt horrible. Also, I always knew I would pay for it...
Gifts being used as a tactic of abuse
I’ve been thinking a lot about gifts and finances and how those play out in abusive situations. I feel that a lot of abuse resources will discuss how abusers will limit your resources but I don’t think they go into enough detail about that. Like how abusers will try to get you dependent on them so they can use that as a way to gain control over the abused party.
Like, my partner and...
2 tags
“The ability to get clear about who has abused is additionally complicated by the...”
– think. re-think - the revolution starts at home. p. 269 (via shivertree)
2 tags
“Neither taking accountability for our actions nor changing our behavior is easy,...”
– movement building starts with healthy relationships - the revolution starts at home (p 254)
2 tags
“People who batter can use their own vulnerabilities (such as their own...”
– think. re-think - the revolution starts at home. p. 268 (via shivertree)
3 tags
to the person who asked us: "what do you think...
I answered this on my tablet and I don’t think it went through so I’m going to try again.
This was a question in response to an earlier post that was a working definition of abuse, and if there was nothing said there about parental emotional abuse, then that was an oversight on our part, and we are sorry.
Parental emotional abuse is absolutely valid and real, and is as serious as...
Anonymous asked: When my housemate is so overly critical of my relationship [when the problems he say exist DONT exist and he blames everything on my bf] that i dont feel comfortable around him anymore-when he's constantly in my face about HIS opinion and HIS way to be right and gets downright yell-y all the time and can't not follow me around when he's ranting about something ELSE that's...
manhating-babyeater:
shivertree:
vladislava:
friendlyangryfeminist:
tw: abuse
I spent a very long time concerned with how much of my abuser’s actions were deliberate because I thought that would define me. At the very least, I thought it would help me get better
(what does better mean)
I don’t think I’ll ever know. I am growing to accept that. I am growing to realize that I am not...
friendlyangryfeminist:
tw: abuse, victim blaming
being angry at my abuser, during the abuse and after, meant that it wasn’t real abuse. real victims don’t get to be angry, anger is messy. victimhood in order to be take seriously has to be martyrdom, we have to want the best for our abusers.
I wanted my abuser dead (while still loving him)
and I still am dealing with that. I am still dealing...
February 2013
12 posts
1 tag
friendlyangryfeminist:
tw: abuse
That internal debate of “it was abuse” vs “but I love them, I owe them” is a difficult one.
It would be convenient for our abusers to have mustaches that they twirl and cackle evilly, but that isn’t the case. Sometimes they are cartoonishly evil people but sometimes we’re defensive of our abusers because they took care of us too, and why does no one else see...
3 tags
jchowski:
verbalprivilege:
what does it mean to manifest compassion and healing in our own lives?
what does it mean to manifest our politics around violence, abuse, and assault with all of its nuance, complexity, grief, anger, love, suffering and trauma?
to hold it all and honor everyone’s humanity?
to take personal and collective responsibility?
what does it mean to engage honestly...
2 tags
Friendship Is Not Magic
postcardsfromspace:
A friend’s teenage daughter is currently trying to get safely out of an abusive, non-romantic relationship, and this has gotten me thinking.
We tell our kids what not to put up with from romantic partners; from parents; from older relatives.
We don’t so much tell them that these are also not okay things for friends to do.
When things turned scary with our now-ex housemate,...
“If your partner were terrible all the time, it would actually be easier to deal...”
– Lundy Bancroft, Healing and Hope (via waronxmas)
3 tags
definitions of abuse
trying to find a good definition of abuse (emotional abuse in particular) that resonates with me and speaks better to the more “complicated” situations that don’t rely on the simplistic red flags checklist framework. any ideas/suggestions?
this is what I came up with just when trying to brainstorm on this question for myself:
abuse is a systemic (though not necessarily...
2 tags
“Recognising the deliberateness of abusers’ behaviour is disturbing; it is much...”
– www.cwasu.org/filedown.asp?file=Weasel%20Words.pdf (via sisterresister)
this is really interesting and raises a lot of points I don’t think I’ve ever seen discussed:
if there’s a “cycle of abuse”, how come it’s not mostly women sexually abusing children, when more girls than boys are sexually...
things abusers say:
missvoltairine:
“these are some serious allegations being made here (you should rethink making them)”
3 tags
[content: abusive relationships] Not everything is...
realsocialskills:
When someone is abusing you:
It’s ok not to care why they’re doing it
Their circumstances aren’t your problem
Neither is their childhood
Neither is the possibility that they’re playing out abuse patterns they learned as an abuse victim
These are larger social issues. It’s important that some people work to address them.
But not you. Not with regard to your own abuser. You...
4 tags
“Part I: Survivor’s Rights & Responsibilities
::as a survivor of abuse, in...”
– Ana Lara, ”there is another way,” The Revolution Starts at Home (via verbalprivilege)
Dating: red flags [tw abuse, self harm]
femmesandfamily:
I have been thinking about dating a lot recently, and I thought I would compile a quick list of red flags that a partner might exhibit that may mean you should reconsider the relationship.
1) You are my everything.
If someone ever tells you that you are their everything, run in the other direction. NO PERSON CAN BE EVERYTHING TO ANOTHER PERSON. It is dangerous and isolating....
hisweettalk asked: in regards to "we are all survivors..." and the "survivor abandonment" issue: the physical copy i own is only the latter part ("what to do when someone tells you that you violated their boundaries, made them feel uncomfortable, or committed assault."), which i found to be extremely informative/helpful for me, and is why i shared the link. i don't like the title...
January 2013
11 posts
2 tags
survivor abandonment →
tw: the second zine listed is called “we are all survivors; we are all perpetrators.” this mod does not believe that to be true and is pretty fed up with consent zine rhetoric, but it is a resource if you want it.
themodernistwitch:
hisweettalk:
loneberry:
[snipped]
this is a zine that i think has some invaluable information on survivor support, for anyone interested. this...
5 tags
survivor abandonment
loneberry:
has this phenomenon been named? i’ve met so many survivor who have had this experience. survivors may ultimately feel abandoned by radical communities who were initially eager to give their support because the community does not sustain support after the perpetrator is “dealt” with.
[trigger warning for abuse]
what usually happens is something like this…
radical communities are...
(personal note, don't reblog)
Dear anon (the one who sent a message in 5 parts and asked us not to publish),
thank you so much! I almost deleted that post right after publishing because it was so intensely personal (most of my best friends haven’t heard me describe ANY experience of sexual violence in that much detail), so it was really good & affirming to hear that putting it out there helped someone else break...
2 tags
externalizing anger to break your loyalty to an...
loneberry:
[TRIGGER WARNING FOR ABUSE]
Part of the process of overcoming a trauma bond is breaking your loyalty to your abuser. Anger is a necessary part of that process, because when you actually recognize that what that person did to you was unacceptable, you will be pissed. As you regain a sense of self-worth you will have to move through a stage of being really fucking mad. If you try to...
2 tags
Anonymous asked: Are there any resources for people dealing with an abusive friendship?
4 tags
traumatic bonding: shattering the fantasy,...
loneberry:
[TRIGGER WARNING FOR ABUSE]
One of the most difficult things you have to grapple with when trying to break free from a trauma bond is the realization that you may have attributed a “cosmic” quality to something that had very little substance other than raw attachment. This is a perfectly reasonable response since we need to believe that we suffered the abuse for a reason—in my case,...
2 tags
[Here is a wonderful submission we received. Thank you so much for this. I have personally experienced a lot of these.]
1. Sweet or playful touching would often become painful, or purposefully cruel, without warning. Saying no or stop had no effect. When I got frantic enough to try and hurt him back to get him off, he acted shocked and hurt by my actions. This was often followed by an ultimatum...
tw abuse
missvoltairine:
look I’m not saying that “mutual abuse” is completely impossible, but every single person I have ever seen go on about the importance of addressing “mutual abuse” and how “mutual abuse” is common or whatever has been an abuser, usually bringing it up while people were trying to hold them accountable for their abusive behavior.
Actually, now that I think of it, all but one of the...
3 tags
“Your abusive partner doesn’t have a problem with HIS anger; He has a problem...”
– Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft (via manhating-babyeater)
1 tag
Anonymous asked: Is it possible to have been emotionally abused by someone other than a parent or partner? See, I was bullied really badly back in elementary school, and even though it's been over ten years, the memories are so fresh that it's like it happened yesterday. Sorry if this is a stupid question.
December 2012
8 posts
4 tags
