"Perhaps the most widespread myth is the belief that mothers are favored by courts in custody disputes, which stopped being true decades ago. It is true that for roughly the first half of the 1900s the ‘Tender Years Doctrine’ was influential, and mothers had some advantage in gaining custody of young children. (Prior to about 1900, mothers had no rights regarding custody at all.) But in the 1970s the tide was turning back, for various reasons, and by the 1980s fathers were winning at least joint custody in a majority of the custody battles they undertook, and winning sole custody more often than mothers, a situation that remains today. And the fathers who are taking advantage of this imbalance are largely abusive ones; researchers have found that abusers are twice as likely as non-abusive men to seek custody.

[…]

Courts are highly reluctant to curtail fathers’ access to their children. As a number of court employees have said to me over the years, ‘There are so many fathers out there who abandon their children, and here I have a dad who wants to be involved; you’re telling me I should discourage him?’ As a result they tend to hold fathers to much lower standards than mothers. Supervised visitation is not often imposed, and usually gets lifted within a few months as long as the father behaves well under supervisions, as most abusive men do."

— Lundy Bancroft in When Dad Hurts Mom: Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse (2004), pp. 240, 243–44 (via mikroblogolas)

(via gotochelm)

elfyourmother:

i am seriously not exaggerating or joking when I say the #1 sign of an abusive person is how they respond to an attempt to assert boundaries

i’m not a psychologist but i got my degree from the school of hard knocks ok and that is really the common denominator

don’t trust anyone who tries to argue with your need for them

(via secretandroid)

debunking an abuser myth

mostwonderfulthymeoftheyear:

PROVIDING FOOD AND SHELTER IS NOT AN EXCUSE FOR ABUSE.

Just because someone gives you food and housing and any other manner of gift or possession does not give them the right to abuse you emotionally, mentally, or physically.

Often time abusers will use this as an excuse.

IT IS NOT AN EXCUSE. EVER. 

(Source: v10l3n7, via saxas)

Tags: food-cw

"An abusive man may embellish his childhood suffering once he discovers that it helps him escape responsibility. The National District Attorney’s Association Bulletin reported a revealing study that was conducted on another group of destructive men: child sexual abusers. The researcher asked each man whether he himself had been sexually victimized as a child. A hefty 67 percent of the subjects said yes. However, the researcher then informed the men that he was going to hook them up to a lie-detector test and ask them the same questions again. Affirmative answers suddenly dropped to only 29 percent. In other words, abusers of all varieties tend to realize the mileage they can get out of saying, ‘I’m abusive because the same thing was done to me.’"

— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (via monobey)

(Source: blackarachnias, via tarae)

Anonymous said: I'm the anon who sent the 2prt ask that didn't make it. I'm rewriting the ask because I can't remember word for word what it said and I don't to make it confusing for you guys to read. Anyways, in the last couple of months I've recently realized that my mom is emotionally abusive. I'm not having a hard time talking to her (I have to live with her to have my schooling paid for) but I'm having a hard time talking to other people about her. Not about the abuse, but when they ask questions about

how she’s doing. I used to get excited about talking about my mom and I’d share stories with my friend’s and their parents but now it’s too hard. I can’t see her as the lovable mom I used to think I had, but now I just see her as a monster I live with. I feel like people know but I don’t want to explain it to them. I can’t stand to be around her friends because they won’t stop going on and on about what a wonderful person she is and they constantly ask me how proud I am to have her as my mom, and I just can’t. It’s impossible for me to lie, it’s like my body rejects me lying, so instead, I just get really quiet. I don’t like this, what can I say to people? I’m not ready to talk to my mom about it yet, I’d like to move out of her house first before I go to therapy because she’d find out. Any tips? Thanks.

That is really difficult, Anon and I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. The way you’re reacting is just fine.

But sometime it helps to just have some sort of plan or idea to make these experiences less uncomfortable. I would encourage you to keep brainstorming ideas until you find something you’re comfortable with, but in the meantime here are some of my ideas…

Changing the subject? Saying, “I don’t want to talk about this right now.” or “Can we talk about something else?” Asking, “What do you think?” Kind of avoiding the question, shrugging or whatever and then saying, “I’ll be right back I have to go to the bathroom.” or wherever/whatever you can think of as an excuse to get out of the room briefly. By the time you get back the conversation may have changed. Or it can give you time to come up with a new topic to start when you return. 

I hope this helps Anon! And know that this is a common experience for survivors of abuse and is something I also dealt with when I was younger. I pretty much responded the same way you describe but everyone is different and it just didn’t personally make me uncomfortable for people to know I didn’t like my family. I was just generally angry and broody so no one thought anything of it.

Good luck!

sincereglomp:

misandry-mermaid:

orphanspace:

when you tell a man how he has hurt you and his response is “oh I’m such a piece of shit I’m a terrible person omg omg” and mentions/does nothing at all w/re: to your pain

(and then you’re the one reassuring and comforting him of course you are, again)

This is a abuser tactic. If a man does this, he is a toxic person and a manipulator who needs to be avoided forever.

it doesn’t matter where they are on the gender spectrum: THIS IS STILL A RED FLAG.

(via hueva-york)

to the anon who just sent in a question, we only received pt. 2, do you want to resubmit the first message?

Nonviolent Communication can hurt people

agent-hardass:

realsocialskills:

People who struggle interpersonally, who seem unhappy, or who get into a lot of conflicts are often advised to adopt the approach of Nonviolent Communication. 

This is often not a good idea. Nonviolent Communication is an approach based on refraining from seeming to judge others, and instead expressing everything in terms of your own feelings. For instance, instead of “Don’t be such an inconsiderate jerk about leaving your clothes around”, you’d say “When you leave your clothing around, I feel disrespected.”. That approach is useful in situations in which people basically want to treat each other well but have trouble doing so because they don’t understand one another’s needs and feelings. In every other type of situation, the ideology and methodology of Nonviolent Communication can make things much worse.

Nonviolent Communication can be particularly harmful to marginalized people or abuse survivors. It can also teach powerful people to abuse their power more than they had previously, and to feel good about doing so. Non-Violent Communication has strategies that can be helpful in some situations, but it also teaches a lot of anti-skills that can undermine the ability to survive and fight injustice and abuse.

For marginalized or abused people, being judgmental is a necessary survival skill. Sometimes it’s not enough to say “when you call me slurs, I feel humiliated” - particularly if the other person doesn’t care about hurting you or actually wants to hurt you. Sometimes you have to say “The word you called me is a slur. It’s not ok to call me slurs. Stop.” Or “If you call me that again, I’m leaving.” Sometimes you have to say to yourself “I’m ok, they’re mean.” All of those things are judgments, and it’s important to be judgmental in those ways.

You can’t protect yourself from people who mean you harm without judging them. Nonviolent Communication works when people are hurting each other by accident; it only works when everyone means well. It doesn’t have responses that work when people are hurting others on purpose or without caring about damage they do. Which, if you’re marginalized or abused, happens several times a day. NVC does not have a framework for acknowledging this or responding to it.

In order to protect yourself from people who mean you harm, you have to see yourself as having the right to judge that someone is hurting you. You also have to be able to unilaterally set boundaries, even when your boundaries are upsetting to other people. Nonviolent Communication culture can teach you that whenever others are upset with you, you’re doing something wrong and should change what you do in order to meet the needs of others better. That’s a major anti-skill. People need to be able to decide things for themselves even when others are upset.

Further, NVC places a dangerous degree of emphasis on using a very specific kind of language and tone. NVC culture often judges people less on the content of what they’re saying than how they are saying it. Abusers and cluelessly powerful people are usually much better at using NVC language than people who are actively being hurt. When you’re just messing with someone’s head or protecting your own right to mess with their head, it’s easy to phrase things correctly. When someone is abusing you and you’re trying to explain what’s wrong, and you’re actively terrified, it’s much, much harder to phrase things in I-statements that take an acceptable tone.

Further, there is *always* a way to take issue with the way someone phrased something. It’s really easy to make something that’s really about shutting someone up look like a concern about the way they’re using language, or advice on how to communicate better. Every group I’ve seen that valued this type of language highly ended up nitpicking the language of the least popular person in the group as a way of shutting them up. 

tl;dr Be careful with Nonviolent Communication. It has some merits, but it is not the complete solution to conflict or communication that it presents itself as. If you have certain common problems, NVC is dangerous.

((I bolded my favorite parts))

This reminds me of a time when a person I care about wasn’t treating me great and I tried using I-statements with them and they said:

"I’m not invalidating your feelings" (and went on to say a bunch of really invalidating things and INSISTING they were not invalidating).

It was really funny.

(via thisisableism)

sans-papiers:

it’s rly interesting how over 80% of women w disabilities will be sexually assaulted and of those survivors, over 60% were assaulted at the hands of a medical professional (doctor, therapist, nurse etc) yet no one talks about that.

(via selfcareafterrape)

drag0n-r0ad:

 

directorlazard:

rapeculturerealities:

fuckyeahifightlikeagirl:

sweetsugaryshock:

beben-eleben:

For future reference.

Thank you.

For those who would ever need it. -C

reblogging here because i can see this being relevant to anyone who’s ever tried to get out of an abusive relationship

Reblogging because that last comment made me reread the whole thing in a new light and realize this could be vital information. So, putting it out there for everyone, and hoping no one ever really needs

(via thematagot)