kittyit:

dogsonline:

there are no absolute rules for handling situations where abuse allegations contradict each other except that you need to listen to everyone involved, however tangentially, carefully. not listen as in, take their word for absolute fact. listen as in listen. if youre legitimately paying attention, it is usually very clear very quickly who is dangerous and who got hurt badly

it’s also important to be aware of common manipulation tactics, such as

  • dismissing multiple people sharing accounts as “ganging up” on the accused abuser
  • dismissing multiple people sharing accounts as “being brainwashed” by the survivor/victim who came forward first
  • responses to callouts that ignore the abuse that has been addressed and instead only refutes with unrelated happenings
  • abusers refusing to engage publicly and drawing people into one-on-one conversations
  • "starting drama"

(via yurameshi)

"What I remember most about emotional abuse is that it’s like being put in a box. How you end up in there is the biggest trick – I never managed to work that one out. Maybe you think it’s a treasure box at first: you’re in there because you’re special. Soon the box starts to shrink. Every time you touch the edges there is an “argument”. So you try to make yourself fit. You curl up, become smaller, quieter, remove the excessive, offensive parts of your personality – you begin to notice lots of these. You eliminate people and interests, change your behaviour. But still the box gets smaller. You think it’s your fault. The terrible, unforgivable too-muchness of you is to blame. You don’t realise that the box is shrinking, or who is making it smaller. You don’t yet understand that you will never, ever be tiny enough to fit, or silent enough to avoid a row"

It’s time to make emotional abuse a crime - Lauren Laverne (via koyyuh)

I wish I would’ve understood that this was abuse and not normal when I was younger.

(via queenalib)

(via aguacatera)

badbitchbyrdie:

selfcareafterrape:

For the purpose of this piece, please understand that I am using relationship to mean ‘prolonged human coexistence’ it could be an abusive friendship, an abusive parent, an abusive member of your community.
1. Abusive relationships almost always have honeymoon periods.
Which means some, maybe even a lot, of your memories of said abuser may be good memories.
And you may miss those parts of them.
Missing the ‘good’ parts of them, loving the good parts of them even, does not excuse the bad things they did to you.
It doesn’t make it better, or not as bad, since sometimes you laughed and had fun. It doesn’t change the fact that they were, or still are, abusive.
2. Abusers are, by nature, manipulative.
They’ll gaslight you- make you feel as if you’re the one who abused them. Abusers know that when they make their victims feel as if they’re the ones who did wrong- the person usually feels guilty. And in feeling guilty they usually double up on the ‘If I loved you enough/behaved enough this wouldn’t bother me/you wouldn’t do this’ mantra that a lot of survivors have.
They make you feel like you deserve what they did to you. That they’re the good guys really, in the whole situation. They were punishing you so that you could learn- and thus become a better person.
All of these things are wrong though. It isn’t true. They were not the good guys. But the fact that you sometimes, you have conflicted feelings- because you began to believe them- believe that you deserved those things…. it doesn’t change the terrible reality of what abuse is.
and it doesn’t make what happened to you less significant.
3. Stockholm Syndrome/Traumatic Bonding
Traumatic bonding is “strong emotional ties that develop between two persons where one person intermittently harasses, beats, threatens, abuses, or intimidates the other.” 
In abuse- especially in those who went through traumatic bonding or suffer from Stockholm syndrome… there is a lot of denial that the bad things are going on. 
When going through these things… people cling to whatever small ‘kindness’ that they can find. They often truly care for their abusers, partially in an attempt to make the bad things not as bad, or happen less.
Bonds like that can be hard to break. It is not your fault for struggling.
4. You feel like you owe(d) them.
A lot of abusive relationships start off with abusers doing really nice things. And then calling in ‘debts’. This kind of goes along with the honey moon phase stuff- but not always. This may be more extreme than just a honeymoon phase.
These are people who step in and ‘fix’ situations (some legitimate- some not) in order to call on it later and be like, “well, I mean.. I did do soandso for you.”
Looking back on these events, you may still feel a lot of gratitude. That doesn’t change the rest of what happened.
5. You were made to believe that it was as good as it gets.
This is usually done in a combination. First, they insult you. Try to ruin your concept of self-worth as much as possible. Remind you that no one will ever love you.
and then they step in and say that its okay because they’ll always be there. That no one will ever love you like they loved you.
It can be very hard to change these thoughts. They work very hard to make us believe them. It is not your fault that you are struggling to fix the wreckage they left.
6. You were young.
Children do not always realize that sexual touch is wrong. Especially when abusers tell them that its okay. That its their special secret. That its a prize for good behavior.
You are not at fault for having believed those things- and for occasionally slipping back into that mindset. It is not your fault that felt special as a child, and thus your memories are ‘positive’. 
You are not broken.
———
Having positive memories of your abuser, missing parts of what they were to you, even loving them…
does not mean you are wrong. it doesn’t make what they did okay.
You are trying to heal from a terrible thing, and no one can fault you for where you are at on your journey.
Having conflicted feelings does not make you wrong, it just makes you human.

You know i rly needed to read this today so thanks

badbitchbyrdie:

selfcareafterrape:


For the purpose of this piece, please understand that I am using relationship to mean ‘prolonged human coexistence’ it could be an abusive friendship, an abusive parent, an abusive member of your community.

1. Abusive relationships almost always have honeymoon periods.


Which means some, maybe even a lot, of your memories of said abuser may be good memories.

And you may miss those parts of them.

Missing the ‘good’ parts of them, loving the good parts of them even, does not excuse the bad things they did to you.

It doesn’t make it better, or not as bad, since sometimes you laughed and had fun. It doesn’t change the fact that they were, or still are, abusive.

2. Abusers are, by nature, manipulative.


They’ll gaslight you- make you feel as if you’re the one who abused them. Abusers know that when they make their victims feel as if they’re the ones who did wrong- the person usually feels guilty. And in feeling guilty they usually double up on the ‘If I loved you enough/behaved enough this wouldn’t bother me/you wouldn’t do this’ mantra that a lot of survivors have.

They make you feel like you deserve what they did to you. That they’re the good guys really, in the whole situation. They were punishing you so that you could learn- and thus become a better person.

All of these things are wrong though. It isn’t true. They were not the good guys. But the fact that you sometimes, you have conflicted feelings- because you began to believe them- believe that you deserved those things…. it doesn’t change the terrible reality of what abuse is.

and it doesn’t make what happened to you less significant.

3. Stockholm Syndrome/Traumatic Bonding


Traumatic bonding is “strong emotional ties that develop between two persons where one person intermittently harasses, beats, threatens, abuses, or intimidates the other.” 

In abuse- especially in those who went through traumatic bonding or suffer from Stockholm syndrome… there is a lot of denial that the bad things are going on. 

When going through these things… people cling to whatever small ‘kindness’ that they can find. They often truly care for their abusers, partially in an attempt to make the bad things not as bad, or happen less.

Bonds like that can be hard to break. It is not your fault for struggling.

4. You feel like you owe(d) them.


A lot of abusive relationships start off with abusers doing really nice things. And then calling in ‘debts’. This kind of goes along with the honey moon phase stuff- but not always. This may be more extreme than just a honeymoon phase.

These are people who step in and ‘fix’ situations (some legitimate- some not) in order to call on it later and be like, “well, I mean.. I did do soandso for you.”

Looking back on these events, you may still feel a lot of gratitude. That doesn’t change the rest of what happened.

5. You were made to believe that it was as good as it gets.


This is usually done in a combination. First, they insult you. Try to ruin your concept of self-worth as much as possible. Remind you that no one will ever love you.

and then they step in and say that its okay because they’ll always be there. That no one will ever love you like they loved you.

It can be very hard to change these thoughts. They work very hard to make us believe them. It is not your fault that you are struggling to fix the wreckage they left.

6. You were young.


Children do not always realize that sexual touch is wrong. Especially when abusers tell them that its okay. That its their special secret. That its a prize for good behavior.

You are not at fault for having believed those things- and for occasionally slipping back into that mindset. It is not your fault that felt special as a child, and thus your memories are ‘positive’. 

You are not broken.

———

Having positive memories of your abuser, missing parts of what they were to you, even loving them…

does not mean you are wrong. it doesn’t make what they did okay.

You are trying to heal from a terrible thing, and no one can fault you for where you are at on your journey.

Having conflicted feelings does not make you wrong, it just makes you human.

You know i rly needed to read this today so thanks

(via lonelyapron)

"I commonly run into the misconception that men from some national or ethnic groups behave much more abusively toward women than those in the mainstream of the United States and Canada. Social workers sometimes say to me, for example, “The family I am working with right now comes from one of those cultures where domestic violence is considered normal and acceptable.” The reality, however, is that cultural approval for partner abuse is disturbingly high in our society, even among the privileged and educated, and our domestic violence statistics, while not the worst in the world, are on the high end. The United States is the only industrialized nation that has failed to ratify the UN convention on eliminating discrimination against women, which specifically refers to violence against women as a form of discrimination. Pointing fingers at other countries can be a way to ignore the serious problems in our own."

— Lundy Bancroft, behavior specialist and author of Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men  (via ranjhana)

(Source: vikakomova, via cleverlyplannedmeal)

Anonymous said: how can you tell if someone is projecting and acussing a vcitim of what they do? like in the case of a couple saying the other is abusive how can you tell which one is telling the truth and which one is a manipulative liar?

dear anon,

this is a hard, hard, hard question - one that organizations that serve abuse victims continue to struggle with. a friend of mine works at a women’s shelter, and she shared the screening tool they use there to assess abusive situations. here’s a PDF of a presentation by The Network/La Red that works to answer this question. what happens if both the abuser and the victim both contact an organization for help? what if it’s hard to tell who’s who? how should we respond?

here are some of the major takeaways from this document:

  • mutual abuse is a myth - partner abuse is never mutual. self defense is not the same as abuse.
  • this can be complicated by the fact that abusers often see themselves as victims
  • victims may have been forced into a corner, meaning they have had to use coercive or manipulative strategies or fought back as survival mechanisms. this does not make them abusers.

so, what to do? the reason this document is used as a training module is because it has taken a lot of people who make it their professional work to answer these questions, providing the best support possible. i’m not going to suggest that you use the screening tool in your day-to-day life, since it takes time to become familiar with the kind of listening that leads you to recognize domestic violence while also noting abusive tactics.

the questions are continuous, and new information may present itself at any time. questions of who committed the abuse aren’t always clear-cut, which is why the screening tool suggests paying attention to 6 factors:

  • context, intent, and effect of actions
  • empathy
  • agency
  • assertion of will
  • entitlement
  • fear

HERE is an extremely helpful post from back in 2012. I recommend reading it in full for more information about being a third party.

Long story short, if you don’t know the truth, don’t insert yourself into the situation in such a way that it adds unreasonable distress and discomfort. Generally speaking, abusive situations often become less opaque over time, but the possibility exists that you might never know. Conduct yourself in the manner that is the least intrusive. The only thing you can hope to do is avoid causing additional harm.

Tags: Anonymous

manhatingbabyeater:

#whyistayed is trending or whatever, and I think it’s great that victims/survivors are sharing their stories and perspectives on their own terms.

That said, we still don’t owe anyone answers. And I still think people are gonna take this as another opportunity to break us up into “good victims” and “bad victims”

I stayed for so many reasons, and I don’t think any of them would classify me as a “good victim”. I hold the patriarchy almost entirely responsible. But on a more personal level, I stayed because I wasn’t ready to leave. I left when I was. And that doesn’t make me any less deserving of compassion or respect or support.

transcosette:

we as a society need to start talking about abusive friendships, bc those exist and seem to be really common

and most people in them dont know how do deal w the abuse bc its normally emotional abuse which.gets delegitimized, and its a platonic relationship and not a romo or sexual one, so it gets delegitimized for that too

(via secretandroid)

skeptikhaleesi:

  • Abusers can do nice things for people they are not abusing.
  • Abusers can do nice things for people that they are abusing.
  • Abusers can otherwise seem like nice, caring, supportive people when they are not actively abusing someone.
  • It does not mean they’re not fucking abusers.

(Source: daenerystarscaryen, via small-black-flowers)

manhatingbabyeater:

Realizing I’m operating in my romantic relationship as though I’m still in an abusive relationship. I’m afraid to ask for anything I want in a relationship because I’ve been groomed to believe that not even getting, but just asking for what I want is abusive, that doing anything other than exactly what my partner wants is abusive, and that it’s up to me to figure out what my partner wants. I’m still afraid that I’m with someone who will spend the first several months together saying they want one thing but will turn around later and reveal that they wanted the complete opposite and blame me for not knowing.

Anonymous said: on the subject of forgiveness what's a good way of saying just b/c u forgive someone doesn't mean u need to let them back into your life. i feel like ppl around me use forgiveness as a tool to force victims to go back to their abusers and when the victim refuses to go back they claim they aren't forgiving.I always say to people that you could forgive a friend for robbing your house but that doesn't mean you go back to being friends or let them near your house (the house being ur feelings ) but

[pt. 2] i don’t think this is a good enough analogy since every time i say this it goes over people head

Really our culture spends too much time focusing on how survivors/victims should behave and feel and rarely any time reflecting on how abusers should behave.

No one is obligated to forgive anyone for anything. If someone WANTS to forgive, that’s fine and that’s their own choice. But survivors/victims of abuse should not be told to, or expected to forgive.

I personally find it very damaging for me to forgive my abusers and quite therapeutic for me to be angry. That’s not to say that everyone needs the same thing I do. Just that everyone is different, there’s no one way to do things, and we should be supporting survivors/victims in however they cope or react to abuse (as long as they’re not abusing other people in the process, of course). We should not be telling them, or even giving them advice on how to cope or react unless they specifically say they want advice.

Our culture often tells survivors/victims to “forgive and forget” while at the same time victim blaming them for staying with an abuser. They can’t win. Personally, every time I gave an abuser a second chance, I just got abused more. Whether it was abusive exes, abusive friends, or abusive family members. That is not to say that anyone who chooses (or is forced) to stay or go back to a situation in which their abuser is back in their life that it is their fault if they experience abuse. Again, it is ALWAYS the abuser’s responsibility not to abuse, not the survivor/victim’s responsibility to not get abused.

I think our culture more commonly expects us to forgive abusive family members (or people in a specific community), like, for the sake of the rest of the family (or community). They tell you you’re “breaking the family apart”, when really the abuser, and everyone who supports the abuser rather than the abused, is who is responsible for breaking the family apart. Survivors/victims are being blamed for both being abused, and the after effects of the abuse, and then told how to feel and react while the abuser’s behavior is ignored.

Forgiveness means different things for different people, but for me, it often has connotations of absolving someone of guilt. For a lot of people it means no longer having angry or resentful feelings towards the person who harmed you. And often people say that you have to forgive to be able to move on. I think this tells survivors/victims that 1) moving on should be their goal, 2) moving on is the right thing to do, while also suggesting that 3) the only way to move on is to forgive. None of these things are true.

As a victim of abuse, my personal goals are to take care of myself, however that makes sense to me. Moving on and forgiveness are not part of my self care. In fact, a huge part of my healing has come from focusing on and processing what happened to me and showing my anger about it because I couldn’t safely do that while I was being abused.

This is really long, I have a lot of feelings about forgiveness and I kind of don’t feel like editing this down. Sorry if your question wasn’t exactly answered. I just don’t think anyone should necessarily have to explain how someone doesn’t have to let their abuser back in their life to forgive because they shouldn’t have to forgive in the first place.